Akatsuki ABC's
by Warrior orb5
Summary: Lets go through the ABC's with our favorite S-Rank criminals shall we? M for suggestive stuff and curses
1. A is for

Disclaimer: I don't own anything but myself and hell I'd trade that for some god damn reviews.  
>AN: I couldn't resist after playing a game were you go in order of the alphabet and name a thing in a specific category. The fanfic will just be random stories of Akatsuki and of course it being in theme with the letter of the chapter, sorta. Also, for the most part not many of the chapters will be in chronological order.

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><p>A is for Aphrodisiac<p>

Deidara was having an extremely bad day. First he had been scolded by Pein for trying to kill Tobi, which wasn't even fair because it was Tobi he was allegedly trying to kill. Tobi was harder to kill than a roach.

"Then Itachi had to rain on my parade when I had finally gotten Tobi back for . . . wait what had Tobi done that pissed me off so bad again?" Deidara pondered.

"Oh well, he probably deserved it anyway," The blond artist thought to himself.

Itachi had ruined Deidara's fun before he could really kill Tobi by alerting Pein which has now brought us full circle. The bomber looked around his room for something that could possibly keep his attention for long.

Deidara started trying to think of something that could amuse him, "My bombs are out because I can't draw anymore attention to myself today, I can't hurt Tobi because of today's earlier incident, but I could go look through Sasori-Danna's old room just for the hell of it."

With this poorly made plan in his mind he started towards his old partners room. The door still had the almost childish "keep-out' sign on his door just like he left it. After a quick glance over his shoulders to make sure nobody saw him the blond bomber opened the door and shut it behind him not realising he had inadvertently locked himself inside the room.

"So this is what it looks like in here," he said to himself.

It was a bit surprising that it was so messy in the puppeteer's room. Deidara had always thought his partner would have been a clean freak. He wondered about the mess while walking towards a shelf with a crudely made label reading "air type" full of vials containing multiple funny colored liquids. Sadly for Deidara who hadn't been paying close attention, a vial was knocked off of the shelf and on to the floor were it shattered. The man turned to see this and ran to the door attempting to not knock over anything else only to find that he had looked himself in.

"Shit, if that was poisonous I am totally dead, there's no other way to get out of here!" he silently cursed to himself.

Deidara held his breath and picked up a piece of the glass with most of the label still on it. The vial read "Aphrodisiac, causes a-" the rest of the label was gone. Deidara knew he would have to breath sooner or later so he just got it over with. He stood in the same spot for a few seconds and let out a sigh of relief that he was still alive. The relief was short lived however when he started to feel rather uncomfortable. When he looked down to see his reason for discomfort he realized exactly what aphrodisiac was and what it caused.

"Oh fuck."


	2. B is for

disclaimer:I own nothing and I'm damn well proud of that fact.  
>AN: Please review but I'm not taking suggestions for this fic.

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><p>B is for Brawl<p>

All of Akatsuki was standing in the cave listening to their leader and in all of their opinions their leader talked way to much.

To nobodie's surprise Hidan was the first to speak up, "Can we just fucking leave already, we get it, catch the Jashin damned tailed beasts."

Pein scowled at him.

"Oh come on, I'm not the only one, your all thinking it!" the immortal yelled.

Pein looked around the cave to see the other members fidgeting uncomfortable and looking anywhere but at Pein.

"Fine, Pein out," he said while his hologram disappeared.

"You sure know how to piss everyone off," Kakuzu stated.

"You guys should be thanking me, if I hadn't said anything he would still be talking for like another hour!" Hidan yelled at all of them.

Tobi decided to point out, "You said we were all thinking it so one of us would have said something anyway, Hidan."

The Jashinist didn't need anymore provoking, he took his scythe and was going to attack Tobi before Deidara and Kisame stepped in to help protect him. At seeing their respective partners about to be fighting Itachi and Kakuzu both jumped in to help them. Zetsu who was arguing with himself only just noticed that there was going to be a fight and of course went to Tobi's side. Konan who had been mildly annoyed for the lack of respect the members held for their leader was currently watching in amusement.

"'I suppose I should tell Pein about these idiots," she thought to herself while leaving.

"I'm not fighting, this is just between Hidan and Tobi, I'm leaving," Itachi told them.

"Hey wait for me Itachi!" Kisame yelled after him.

"You know, I don't really feel like helping you Hidan," Kakuzu said while walking over to the side of the cave.

Now it was Tobi, Zetsu, and Deidara against Hidan. "This is hardly fair. I don't know how I feel about fighting someone so badly outmatched, hn," Deidara said with a smirk.

"Well don't worry you'll never be in that situation Deidara!" Hidan shouted before laughing insanely.

"WAIT!" Zetsu yelled.

Everyone left turned towards him.

"Why are we fighting again?"

"I don't know because we don't like each other?" Tobi replied helpfully.

"**Eh, good enough explanation for me**," Zetsu relied.

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><p>Ten Minutes Later<p>

Hidan was currently in five pieces scattered across the cave and Deidara was lying on the ground in an attempt to catch his breath. Zetsu who had left in the middle of the fight was nowhere to be seen. Tobi of course stood unharmed in the background.

"What the hell is going on here?" Pein demanded as soon as he walked in.

The remaining members looked at each other and replied instantaneously, "Nothing?"

This was the last time a brawl had broken out in the base. In fact, it was the last brawl to break out between members that whole month. There is a reason Leader's name is_ Pain_.


	3. C is for

Disclaimer: I still own nothing as always.  
>AN: Yeah, the long awaited (like a few weeks) update.

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><p>C is for Chicks<p>

The Akatsuki, being made up of crazy scary S-rank criminals, didn't get alot of time with girls. Even Deidara and Itachi who were the only ones who looked halfway normal and could be with girls because it wasn't against their religions didn't get much love because most chicks tended to get scared away by the Akatsuki cloaks. So the day Sakura was kidnapped and had to be interrogated all the male members took it upon themselves to get some.

"I'm not going to talk no mater what!" she yelled at them.

"Who's up first?" Konan asked them.

Everyone but Pain quickly raised there hands with expressions that would have looked more in place on a little boy in school who knew the answer than on dangerous grown men.

Konan figured what their tactics would be so she picked randomly, "Sasori, Deidara, Itachi, Kakuzu, Tobi, Zetsu, Kisame, then Hidan."

Hidan jumped up, "Why do I have to go fucking last!"

"We do need her alive," Pain told him as he and Konan walked out of the room.

"Fucking bastard, call me when its my turn," he told the others as he walked away as well.

"Well go ahead Sasori-Danna," Deidara finally said.

Sasori didn't reply and walked into the cell holding Sakura wordlessly. She didn't even acknowledge that he was there.

"Sakura, you know what we want?," Sasori asked her.

She turned her head up to look at him for the first time.

She was clearly shocked, "S-Sasori! But your dead! I killed you myself!"

"Yeah, as you can see I'm clearly not dead," He replied, "and you didn't answer my question."

The medic looked at him and sighed, "You want information, or to use me as a hostage, or to make me heal Itachi's eyes, or some other clique thing."

Sakura then added, "You know, vague villain stereotype bullshit."

Sasori smirked, "Your only half right, we do want information but the other members and myself haven't had a chick around for a while so if you don't give us information . . . lets just say that we would still get what we want."

She had a look of horror on her face at his declaration.

"And what, your playing good cop here telling me exactly what you want?" Sakura spat.

The puppet master laughed lightly, "Actually its more like seven good cops and then schizophrenic sadistic former cop just released from prison for killing old ladies."

"So you mean if you guys can't get me to talk then you'll let me be torchured by Hidan?" Sakura asked him.

He smiled and nodded. However at the end of each of the "Good Cops" sessions the members not only didn't get to have Sakura but they only got very small bits of almost useless information. So at the end of the day she was given to Hidan.

Kisame who was the last to see her told the other members her last words were, "Ha, I would rather be killed then see out my village and Hidan is just the dumb ass for the job!"

Kisame shook his head, "She was smiling the whole time. You guys don't think she planed it like that from the moment she was captured do you?"

As he finished his sentence the wall broke open letting a certain pink haired girl escape before any member could react. Later on they found out that Hidan who had lost his temper used his scythe and accidentally cut a chain holding her to the wall.

"I think she planed it," Itachi told Kisame.

The members nodded in agreement. Chicks that survived being around Akatsuki were normally smarter then Akatsuki.


	4. D is for

Disclamer: I don't own anything, SHOCKED?!

A/N: Woohoo, first update in months! . . . anyone still reading this?

D is For Dogs

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><p>It wasn't like they had planed for this to get so out of hand. Hidan had brought a pitbull back to the base nobody had questioned it. Then Tobi brought a puppy back to the base, still nobody questioned it. Then a year later the puppy was older and the pitbull had taken a liking to it. Suddenly there were 8 more puppies and the other members had to bring attention to it.<p>

It was unanimously decided that Hidan would be responsible for the dogs from then on because Tobi can't be trusted to take care of so many other living things. The real trouble started one day when Kakuzo made Hidan go on a mission to catch a high paying bounty. Before this Hidan had begun training the dogs to be ninja dogs so that he could use them as summoning animals. He had gotten pretty far with training them and he figured that soon he would be able to take them on missions with him. He had left the dogs in his room whenever he goes on missions and didn't think that it would be a problem this time.

He was wrong.

"Puppy?" Tobi called into the room hesitantly.

Before he could do anything else the dogs all ran out of the room and scattered through out the base. Tobi stood there in shock for a moment before choosing one and chasing after it. By the time that he had caught up with it the other 9 dogs had already created chaos in the base.

"TOBI!" he heard Deidara call.

Against any semblance of common sense that Tobi had he walked into the room where the yell had come from.

The sight that greeted him was comical to say the least; Deidara was covered in dogs and the rest of the Akatsuki members were standing on the ceiling with varying expressions of amusement.

Just after Tobi walked into the room Hidan and Kakuzo walked in caring a body.

Hidan burst out laughing and in between catching his breath and laughing more he exclaimed, "Kakashi's got nothing on me!"

Needless to say, Pein forced Hidan to get rid of the dogs.


	5. E is for

Disclamer: I don't own anything. *Sobs in the corner*  
>AN: I was gonna try to update at least one chapter a day for the next week or so . . . I already know that wouldn't last long.

E is For Eggs

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><p>Everyone in the base knew not to bring money up with Kakuzu unless it was good news and everyone knew to never ever mess around with money when it came to dealing with Kakuzu. Everyone except Tobi, that is.<p>

"What is all this?" Kakuzu asked while gesturing to a table full of bags.

"Well, while I was at the store I kept remembering things that the other members were saying that they needed so I got them while I was out," Tobi replied.

He absentmindedly started putting the items in the cabinets around him while Kakuzu continued to look at him in anger.

"The reason they get paid is so that they can things themselves!" Kakuzu told Tobi in frustration.

"Don't kill him, leader would be pissed off," Kakuzu thought to himself.

Tobi stoped putting things away for a moment, "Sorry Kakuzu I was just trying to be helpful."

"Don't kill him, don't kill him, don't kill him, don't kill him, don't kill him."

"Hey, what are you guys doing?" Kisame asked as he walked in.

Tobi pulled a box of toothpicks out of one of the bags and handed it to him.

"I remembered you asked for them!" Tobi said brightly.

Kisame laughed a bit, "Hey, maybe he is good for something after all," he said jokingly to Kakuzu.

Kakuzu continued to stare angerly at the bags trying to guess at how much money Tobi wasted. Kisame walked out and Tobi resumed putting things away.

"Tobi, how much money did you spend?" he asked while trying not to go berserk.

Tobi stoped and started counting on his fingers, "Um, 206 ryo?"

"Don't kill him, don't kill him, don't kill him, don't kill him, don't ki- wait what did he say?!"

"TOBI, ALL I SENT YOU TO GET WAS EGGS! HOW HARD IS THAT?!"

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><p>AN: 206 ryo is about 250 dollars.


	6. F is for

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, get over it.  
>AN: Yeah, merry Christmas and all that jazz.

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><p>F is For Fruitcake<p>

"No, the most pointless thing about Christmas is definitely cards you get with pictures of people's pets," Deidara pointed out.

It would have been a normal day at the Akatsuki base had it not been Christmas and had the members not been arguing about the worst parts of the holiday. Needless to say, it was and they were.

"The most pointless part is the tree, **you have to cut it down and you only really use it for a day**," Zetsu pointed out.

"Of course you would be the one to point that one out," Sasori pointed out while rolling his eyes.

Zetsu looked pointedly at him, "What's your least favorite thing about the holiday?"

Sasori's expression didn't change, "Carolers."

"Why?" Kisame asked while looking up from a newspaper he was reading.

Sasori remained silent for a few moments, "I've just had bad experiences with them."

The other members stared at him for a moment wondering if the puppeteer was about to elaborate.

"Whatever," Hidan said while getting off the couch and walking into the kitchen, "I'm getting some eggnog anybody else want some?"

"Yeah, can you grab me some, hm?" Deidara replied.

Hidan chuckled, "No."

"Why did you even offer?" the blond bomber asked angrily.

"I didn't offer to get you any, I just asked if you wanted some," Hidan replied laughing at his own joke.

"Just get off your ass and get it yourself!" he told Deidara.

Deidara scowled but got up to go get some.

"Does anybody else want any?" Deidara asked from the kitchen, "Because unlike some jerks, I'll actually get some for you."

Kisame and Zetsu both took him up on the offer.

"Sasori, why aren't you . . . nevermind," Kisame began to ask before thinking better of it.

After a few hours of drinking finally Hidan jumped up.

"Fruitcake!" he yelled as if stating some great truth.

The other members looked at him in varying degrees of confusion and amusement.

"What about fruitcake?" Sasori asked breaking the silence.

"Fruitcake is the most pointless thing about Christmas!" Hidan clarified before falling back into his seat, satisfied with himself.

The other Akatsuki members thought about it for a minute.

Deidara was the first to speak, "I hate to say it but I think Hidan's right."

"I think the zombie actually said something smart," Kisame agreed while laughing to himself.

Zetsu just nodded in agreement.

Konan and Pein walked through the living room without saying anything to the other members.

When they reached the roof Konan turned to Pein.

"Who do you think spiked the eggnog this year?"

"Itachi," he replied with his certainness evident in his voice.

"Why are you so sure?," Konan asked, "I haven't even seen him all day."

Pein looked back pointedly, "Exactly."

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><p>AN: Yeah, awesome as it is I almost didn't post this chapter because I felt conflicted about adding something about Christmas into a Naruto story for a few reasons. The first was that I'm pretty sure ninja's don't celebrate Christmas. The second was that I felt like Hidan would be an ass about anything that had to do with a religion other than Jashinism.  
>Then I was like, "Aw fuck it, its Christmas!"<p> 


	7. G is for

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, but whatever.  
>AN: I'm trying my best to update this more often. But reviews would be nice . . .

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><p>G is For Gone<p>

"Something doesn't feel right," Kisame pointed out from the couch while stretching and yawning.

Hidan looked over from his chair, "You know what fish? Something does seem off."

Kisame ignored the comment and got up. He cracked his back and then threw the remote to Hidan who caught it without looking.

"Where are you going?" Hidan asked with slight interest but still didn't look up from the TV.

"I'm gonna go try to figure out what feels so off about today," Kisame told him while walking out of the living room and into the kitchen.

When he walked in he saw Deidara and Sasori sitting at the table. Deidara was eating leftover noodles and Sasori was writing something down on one of his scrolls.

"Hey, have you noticed anything weird today?" Kisame asked them while pulling a chair out to lean on.

Deidara shook his head and continued eating his breakfast. Sasori put his pen down and looked up at Kisame.

"Actually yeah, it seems really strange today for some reason," the puppeteer told him.

"I can't figure out why, do you know?" Kisame asked.

Sasori shrugged, "If you figure it out tell me."

Kisame nodded and walked out of the kitchen and into the hallway. He saw Konan walking up to the stairs carrying a bundle of scrolls that were probably for Pein.

"Hey Konan," Kisame greeted.

She turned to look at him and nodded in acknowledgement. Konan shifted the papers into a more comfortable position and waited for him to speak.

"Have you noticed anything strange today?" Kisame asked while trying to sound casual.

She looked like she was thinking for a few seconds, "Well Itachi is still gone."

"Gone? Since when?" Kisame asked in shock that he hadn't noticed his own partner's absence.

"Since Christmas," she answered and then walked up the stairs before Kisame could ask anymore questions.

As soon as Konan was gone Kisame slapped himself, "How did none of us notice this?!"

Kisame went back to the room that he and Itachi shared and saw that his things were gone except for easily replaced items. As usual the Uchiha had made his bed and not left a mess. Kisame left the room with the intention to go back to the kitchen to tell Sasori what he had found out but was stopped by Kakuzo in the hallway.

"Kisame I need to know if you've seen Hidan, he's been avoiding me," Kakuzo told Kisame.

Kisame cracked a smile, "Who would want to do that?"

Seeing that Kakuzo was unamused with his quip he told him where he had last seen Hidan.

"Have you seen Itachi?" Kisame asked before Kakuzo could leave.

"No, haven't seen him in a few days why?" Kakuzo asked back.

"Its nothing," Kisame told him.

When Kisame returned to the kitchen he saw that Deidara had finished eating and was now absent-mindedly using a small clay bird to amuse himself. Sasori was now writing in another scroll.

"Itachi is gone," he blurted out.

The two artists stopped what they were doing and looked up at him. Sasori raised an eyebrow in question.

"Gone?" Deidara asked.

Kisame shook his head in confirmation, "Gone."

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><p>AN: Woo, cliff-hanger! I'm gonna be doing a contest _again_, whoever can come up with the best idea for where Itachi is and leave it in a review will get their choice of a story for me to write. Anything but lemons. So, yeah! Come on guys be awesome!


	8. H is for

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto . . . what, you think I have an endless supply of stupid things to put for the disclaimer? Well I do.  
>AN: The more reviews I get the more likely I am to update sooner, just saying.

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><p>H is For Home<p>

It had been another two days and Itachi still hadn't returned to the base. However, unlike an organization that cares much about the well-being of its fellow members, Akatsuki did not. Therefore, none of the other members went looking for him and unanimously agreed that he would come back on his own.

This is why when Itachi walked through the living room where four members currently sat watching the news nobody but his partner acknowledged his presence.

Itachi walked through the room into the hallway and a door shutting could be heard.

Kisame saw that none of the other members had even glanced at Itachi.

"You guys saw that right?" he asked hesitantly.

After a few confusing moments of disbelief Kisame got up and walked into the room he shared with the Uchiha. When inside he saw Itachi straightening his items and putting things from his bag away.

When he walked in Itachi looked up and nodded in acknowledgement.

Kisame, insulted that he didn't even warrant a 'hello' after weeks finally asked, "Where in the hell were you?"

Itachi looked up expressionless as usual and replied, "I just went out to get something to eat."

"You've been gone for two weeks!" Kisame pointed out.

Itachi shrugged, "I may have gotten a little off task."

Kisame threw his hands up in the air in exasperation and walked out of the room and back to the couch to push Hidan out of his spot.

Itachi listened for a moment before the door swung closed, "What, have a lover's quarrel, hn?"

Laughter and then a loud thump as Deidara hit the ground was the last Itachi heard.

The Uchiha sighed, "It's good to be home."

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><p>AN: Short, I know but in my defence . . . well I don't really have one, I just thought it was perfect the way it was. Can you really tell me I'm wrong?


	9. I is for

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto . . . *Sobs silently in corner*  
>AN: I've been really into Hetalia lately so sorry for the slow updates.

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><p>I is For Insomnia<p>

Even though he would never admit it to anyone, Hidan had a sleeping problem. He just couldn't sleep most nights and of course this led to one night of Hidan walking around the base at night.

When later confronted about it he would say that he was just bored and that was true but, he also just loved pissing everybody off.

The Jashinist had been sitting on the abused couch in the living room trying to think of something to do when an idea finally struck him. He didn't completely think his plan through to the end which would inevitably involve Kakuzo kicking his ass but he put forth his best effort and worked through the night.

When morning came he sat back down on the couch and tried his best to look like he didn't notice what he had done to the room.

The first member to wake up was Itachi who walked into the room, took a short look around, and walked back out again.

Then Deidara walked in.

What the hell?" the blond bomber yelled, "Why is all the furniture on the ceiling, hn?"

The rest of the Akatsuki slowly got up to see what was going on. When they saw what Hidan had done they all reacted either with annoyance or, in Zetsu's case, completely ignored it and sat down next to him.

Pein sighed, "Imagine what we could get done if he put this kind of effort into his job."

Konan shook her head in agreement and the two walked away. The other members followed, all but Kakuzo that is.

It was time for Hidan's ass-kicking.


	10. J is for

Disclaimer: No, I don't own Naruto . . . ok maybe I am running out of ideas for the disclaimers.  
>AN: Yeah man, I've been regularly updating like a boss! I'm a punctual boss!

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><p>J is For Janitor<p>

"What do you mean you want a raise?" Pein asked while scowling in the man's direction.

The man sighed, "I mean I need more money if you want me to keep doing what I'm doing."

Pein sighed in exasperation, "What, exactly, is wrong with the setup we have now?"

The man shuffled awkwardly from foot to foot before speaking again, "Listen, I don't know what it is you're running here, I don't want to know the details, but you have me cleaning up blood and shit at least every other week!"

"What are you saying, that you think that you can blackmail us into giving you more money?" Pein said calmly.

"W-well, I'm not saying that but-" he began before being cut off.

"Hidan, get in here," Pein yelled.

The janitor visibly paled and when he heard someone coming up the steps.

"W-who's Hidan?" he asked while unconsciously backing himself against the wall.

"Me," Hidan said while slamming the door against the wall on his way in.

"So what was it that you came in here for again?" Pein asked him calmly.

"Nothing!" he said instantaneously.

Hidan laughed insanely, "Then get the fuck out!"

He ran out the door and the two ninjas heard him stumble down the stairs.

"You don't pay me enough for this," Hidan said while leaning against the wall.

Pein glared at the Jashinist who in return smirked obnoxiously.

"From now on Kakuzo has to deal with this."

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><p>AN: I have a great idea for the next chapter, if anyone can guess what it is from the hint I'm about to give then I'll write you a story of your choice, other than lemons obviously. Ok here's the hint: Its what Itachi would be at a party.


	11. K is for

Disclaimer: I OWN NOTHING, NOW READ THE STORY!

A/N: Nobody won the contest in the last chapter so . . . yeah I got tired of waiting.

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><p>K is For Killjoy<p>

A little known fact about the Akatsuki is that while Kakuzo manages money, Itachi manages the day to day problems of having ten dangerous sociopaths living in the same building together. It is an unofficial arrangement, not that anybody would question Itachi anyway. Also, since the members of Akatsuki are generally not very good at agreeing on things, it had become Itachi's job to decide things for the group when they came under debate.

This is how the other members grew to think of him as a killjoy.

Hidan, Deidara, Tobi, and Kisame were lying around the living room an a particularly hot summer day on a rare occasion that it wasn't raining. Deidara occasionally made half hearted attempts of smacking Tobi whenever the masked ninja would start to fall asleep leaning on him but it was to hot for the blond ninja to be bothered. Kisame was lying face first in a chair and appeared to be suffering the worst. Hidan was leaning against the wall and striping off as much of his uniform as the others would let him get away with. By the time that Hidan was down to his boxers the other members had given up stopping him.

Suddenly Tobi sat upright, "We should go to the beach."

Hidan momentarily looked up from his place on the floor and Kisame pried himself off his chair.

"That's such a dumb idea, we're s-rank criminals, we can't just go around doing the same stuff that some stupid kids are doing, hn," Deidara said without any real malice directed at Tobi.

"You_ are_ still stupid kids," Kakuzo yelled from the other room.

Hidan, who had previously been uninterested in Tobi's idea smirked evil, "Well, if we're just stupid kids maybe we should act like it."

"What are you suggesting?" Kisame asked while getting out of his chair.

"I'm saying we should go do Tobi's stupid beach idea, but better," Hidan told him while putting his pants back on.

"Meaning?" Deidara questioned in hopes of an elaboration.

"Meaning, we should have a fucking awesome party," he informed the bomber.

Deidara was about to protest but then realized how good it sounded, "Alright, but we can't let Itachi find out, he would never let us do this and even if he would I don't want that bastard there."

"Agreed," Hidan acknowledged, "Got that Kisame?"

"Just because he's my partner doesn't mean I'd tell him," he replied.

"Tell me what?" Itachi question while walking into the room with a glass of water.

The other members froze.

Kisame knew how to deal with this after many years of dealing with him and replied calmly, "That I wouldn't tell you that I going out later."

Itachi rolled his eyes, "If that's true than why do they look so suspicious?"

Hidan decided that it wasn't worth sitting inside all day in 100 degree heat and did something that he rarely ever did, he asked permission.

"Itachi, could we have off the rest of the day to go to the beach?" Hidan asked quickly.

Itachi shrugged, "Sure."

The Uchiha walked out of the room without so much as acknowledging the other members shocked expressions.

Deidara looked skeptical at Hidan, "How did you do that?"

Hidan was just as surprised as the others and answered, "I'm not completely sure."

Kisame offered his opinion, "When ever you tried to get away with something before did you ever just ask Itachi first?"

The ninjas all thought about it for a minute.

It was then that they all realized how to keep Itachi from being a killjoy.

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><p>AN: Alright, no new contest this chapter, sorry ~


	12. L is for

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. . . What? Why are you all just staring at me?  
>AN: Not a single person reviewed the last chapter. Just saying.

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><p>L is for Late<p>

Pein and Konan awkwardly stood in the middle of a cave which was this month's meeting place.

"Are you sure that you told everyone?" Pein asked Konan.

Konan looked back with an insulted expression.

"Sorry," Pein said quickly when seeing her reaction.

They stood in silence for a few more minutes.

"What do you think is keeping them?" Konan asked.

He looked away thoughtfully before answering, "They could all be dead."

Konan sighed, "That would be unfortunate, we would have to recruit all new members."

Pein nodded in agreement.

The silence resumed.

Eventually the silence was broken again when Pein spoke, "I can't believe even Zetsu and Madara are late."

"It is possible that this could all just be a coincidence," Konan pointed out, "All of the members could think that they are the only one that is late."

Pein shook his head, "What are the chances of that?"

Konan conceded to this.

Finally Itachi walked in while brushing some dirt off of his cloak.

"What took you so long?" Pein asked.

"Deidara accidentally started a fire outside almost an hour ago, it's gotten pretty bad at this point," Itachi said before briskly walking out again.

Konan and Pein exchanged looks of disbelief before following the Uchiha outside.

This was the first and last time any of the Akatsuki members had a legitimate reason for being late to a meeting.

* * *

><p>AN: Yeah, it is short but nobody even bothered to review the last chapter, which was the longest chapter in this story so far. Now you guys must earn back my love!

Ok not really, but still, I've said it before but I'll say it again, the more reviews I get the sooner I update.


	13. M is for

Disclaimer: Naruto is not owned by me. . . I'm definitely not pouting.

A/N: See how much faster I update when you guys review?

* * *

><p>M is for Mud<p>

A well known fact about the Akatsuki headquarters is that it is located in Amegakure. Another well known fact is that it rains almost constantly there. What people don't realize is the logistical problem that arises in regions like this. Namely, transporting things by land is nearly impossible.

"Why do we have to guard this fucking thing?" Hidan complained to his partner.

"It's a shipment of weapons," Kakuzo replied without turning to look at his partner.

"Yeah but nothing is even happening, nobody is attacking us or anything," Hidan argued.

Kakuzo didn't reply and Hidan was about to make a remark about his social skills before landing face first into the mud. One of his feet was stuck which was what caused him to trip.

"Jashin dammit!" he yelled before attempting to pull himself free.

All that he accomplished was getting his other leg and one of his arms stuck as well.

"Kakuzo, why aren't you helping me, you bastard?" he yelled at the other ninja.

Although his face was obstructed by his mask and no facial expressions could be seen, anyone that was there that day would swear that Kakuzo was smirking while he stood there watching his partner try to get out of the mud.

Hidan gave him a death glare, "This isn't funny!"

Kakuzo continued watching him flail around in the mud for around an hour before finally relenting and helping his partner get out of the quicksand like mud.

"Kakuzo, I will get you back for this," Hidan told him while seething in rage.

Kakuzo looked at him unimpressed, "You couldn't even get out of the mud."


	14. N is for

Disclaimer: Naruto is not owned by me. . . ok I am pouting.

A/N: I love reviews, just sayin'.

* * *

><p>N is for Nail<p>

Whenever a repair on the base must be made the members themselves fix it. The primary reason being that Pein doesn't want enemies finding out about the base. However the three who normally get assigned to do this do not always work very well together.

"Hidan, pass the bucket," Deidara said while holding out his hand.

Hidan scowled, "Get it yourself."

Deidara turned to face him, "It's literally right next to you."

Before a fight could break loose the two ninjas heard a loud crash behind them.

"Tobi?"

* * *

><p>"Kakuzo," Hidan said while walking into their shared room.<p>

He sighed, "Don't you have work you should be doing?"

Hidan grumbled, "Yeah, but there was-"

"Then I don't care," Kakuzo interrupted before returning to his paperwork.

Deidara walked in seconds after.

"Kakuzo there's a slight problem, hm," he told him while looking over his shoulder into the hallway.

Kakuzo looked over with an exasperated expression, "If it's so slight you two idiots can handle it."

"Well, that's not what I-" Deidara started to say but was cut off again.

"Can't you both see that I'm actually doing my work unlike you two?"

Suddenly a pained moan was heard from the hallway.

'What was that?" Kakuzo asked while glaring at both of them.

"Tobi has a nail in his neck and he's bleeding, hn," Deidara told him while smirking at Kakuzo's expression.

Hidan grinned and quickly added, "Its pretty bad."

Kakuzo got up quickly but still took the time to bash both their heads together on his way to help Tobi.

* * *

><p>AN: Poor Tobi, I feel like I should give him a good chapter next because I've been kinda mean to him in this story so far.


	15. O is for

Disclaimer: No animes are owned by me. No matter how hard I wish they were.

A/N: I had a bit of trouble thinking of a word for this chapter but when I remembered this word I had to write it.

_Oubliette: a dungeon with the only entrance or exit being a trapdoor in the ceiling._

* * *

><p>O is for Oubliette<p>

Although they were often overlooked members in Akatsuki both Zetsu and Tobi had a job that none of the other members did.

Tobi walked into the living room with a bag over his shoulder and looked at the other members, "Have any of you seen Zetsu around? It's time to clean out the oubliette but I can't find him."

Tobi tilted his head in question and slouched in emphases before Hidan answered, "I think he's up on the roof."

"Thanks Hidan!" he exclaimed before running off leaving Hidan to roll his eyes at his eagerness.

When Zetsu realized that Tobi was on the roof behind him he smirked, "Oubliette?"

Madara dropped his Tobi voice and chuckled darkly in response.

* * *

><p>Another little known fact about the Akatsuki is that they have a trap door right outside of all of their meeting places that all lead to one dungeon thanks to a ninjutsu that Orochimaru perfected during his time in Akatsuki. With their abilities to phase through solid stone this made Tobi and Zetsu the obvious choices for this job.<p>

A fact most people know about Akatsuki is that it is attacked, spied on, and otherwise harassed by the other villages very often. So often in fact, that the oubliette needs to be cleaned out once a week.

"I love Tuesdays," Madara said while looking at the tools he had emptied from his bag.

Pairs of vices, scissors, pliers, and other instruments were laid out on the table in front of him neatly albeit covered in blood.

"**Me too**," Zetsu replied while finishing off the last 'integration' for the day.

* * *

><p>AN: My, that was darker than usual . . . oh well. So yeah, this counts as Tobi's "good chapter".

I actually got the word Oubliette from a movie, whoever can guess the movie first and leave it in the reviews gets a oneshot of their choice as a prize.


	16. P is for

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, except merchandise. Yay consumerism!

A/N: I'm sorry I haven't updated in a month, I've had research papers and projects and tests and family things going on. Now that the school year is winding down I hope I can be more active on the site though. So, sorry for the wait and thank you for all the reviews for the last chapter. I'll try to get the next chapter up faster.

* * *

><p>P is for Parcel<p>

It wasn't very often for the Akatsuki to get mail. Occasionally a religious fanatic would send hate mail to Hidan and sometimes Kakuzo received letters informing him of how his non-Akatsuki related schemes are going but for the most part the Akatsuki did not get mail.

This is why, on a particularly dreary day in the rain village, when the Akatsuki members found a parcel for them in the mail everyone was interested in it.

The five members who had gathered around the table stared at the box with the simple tag reading only, "For Akatsuki."

The members stood in silence for a few moments before Itachi finally spoke, "Who's going to open it?"

The others looked at him then back at the box.

"Who says we should open it at all?" Sasori asked while crossing his arms.

Hidan looked at him in disbelief, "How can you not want to know what's in it?"

Sasori rolled his eyes, "Simple I don't care and besides its obviously not a good idea to open it in the base regardless."

Deidara laughed lightly without looking up from the box, "You no fun at all, hn."

Kisame looked at them unimpressed, "If none of you are going to open it then I will, it's just a box."

Nobody moved.

"Then open it," Hidan said with a mocking expression.

Kisame went to pick it up and Sasori left the room. Itachi sighed in exasperation.

"Just open it already," Deidara said.

Kisame quickly undid the string tying it closed and opened it. He sighed in disappointment.

"Its Hidan's," he said while shoving the box to him and walking away.

Deidara moved to look in the box and saw a severed head with a note.

Hidan picked it up and started reading it, "Dear Hidan the Prophet."

He paused and smirked at Deidara.

He continued, "I have seen the ways of Jashin and will continue to follow in your footsteps, sincerely Q."

Deidara looked up at Hidan to see him looking extremely full of himself.

"Aw, how cute, you have a fan," Deidara said while going to leave the room.

"Jealous bitch?" Hidan asked back.

The fight that began because of this was enough to convince Pein to create a new policy. The Akatsuki would no longer accept anonymous packages.

* * *

><p>AN: No. Q is not going to show up anywhere in the rest of the story. I just thought it sounded better to give the fan some sort of name, it isn't meant to be anyone.


	17. Q is for

Disclaimer: I do not own anything . . . except this story.  
>AN: Yay, an update that I defiantly didn't put off writing so that I can start a new story in the Hetalia fandom.

* * *

><p>Q is For Question<p>

"Deidara?" Tobi asked while running excitedly up to him through the crowd.

Deidara stiffened and rufused to look behind him. He started to walk faster in the hopes that he would lose Tobi in the mass of people.

"Wait I have to asked you a question!" Tobi yelled before comically falling over and disappearing behind the crowd of people.

Deidara sighed in slight relief and made his way out of the small town.

Most of the Akatsuki did not leave the Rain Village often, unless it was for missions or personal buisness. Deidara was no exception. However, Deidara was in a small village on the outskirts of their territory for neither of these reasons.

When he was close to a mile away he made a clay bird and was about to fly off.

"Deidara, I finally caught up to you!" Tobi yelled.

Deidara scowled, "What do you want, hn?"

"I wanted to know where you were going," Tobi told Deidara.

"You followed me all the way out here just to ask what I was doing?" Deidara asked in exaasperation.

Tobi shuffled awkwardly, "Well, yeah."

Deidara smacked him upside the head and proceeded to fly off without giving Tobi an answer.

* * *

><p>AN: To be continued, fun right? You guys get it by now, guess what Deidara's doing and win a one shot.


	18. R is for

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, don't bother sueing me, I have no cash.  
>AN: Nobody left any ideas for what Deidara was doing but I got tired of waiting.

* * *

><p>R is For Rain<p>

As most people know, Amegakure was a village that got an abnormal amount of rain. It was also common knowledge that Deidara's home village, Iwagakure, didn't get nearly as much rain. The thing that people didn't know was that Deidara hated the rain and while it is true that he left the dreary base to do missions often, he didn't get to enjoy it.

So, what Deidara did was leave the Akatsuki headquarters and go to a sunny region around once a year. He did this with the intent to do nothing except bask in the sun.

After around an hour of flying he landed in a clearing of tall grass. He sighed contently and lied down in a patch of wild flowers.

"Deidara, I finally found you!" Tobi said while walking towards him.

The blond cursed his bad luck. He couldn't understand how Tobi kept finding him.

"Deidara what are you doing?" Tobi asked while tilting his head very slightly.

Deidara sighed and gestured for Tobi to sit too.

Tobi sat down and was about to ask what Deidara was doing again before Deidara shushed him.

Tobi was confused but lied down and didn't ask anymore questions.

Deidara sighed contently once again.


	19. S is for

Disclaimer: I own exactly nothing.

A/N: Sorry for the wait. For the first time ever I was distracted by real life things . . . it sucked.

* * *

><p>S is For Snakes<p>

"Fuck not again!" Hidan yelled from the kitchen.

Tobi ran in and was promptly assaulted by some large and very agitated snakes.

Within the next few minutes a group composed of four Akatsuki members were taking shelter on the ceiling.

"Its another one of the traps Orochimaru left, hm," Deidara pointed out.

Hidan rolled his eyes, "No shit, I thought it was just some really shitty takeout someone left in the fridge too long, thanks for clearing that one up!"

"Why did you even call us in here?" Kisame asked with his arms crossed.

"I don't want to deal with these fucking things by myself!" Hidan said while pointing at a particularly big snake.

"Are you afraid of them or something?" Tobi asked while tilting his head innocently.

Hidan moved to strangle him but Deidara pushed him quickly causing him to fall into the pile of snakes writhing on the floor.

"You bastards!" Hidan yelled while trying to murder as many snakes as possible before he would pass out from the venom.

Tobi looked down, "Uh, should we help him?"

The others looked down at the struggling mass of pissed off snakes and pissed off Hidan. Kisame looked like he was going to say something but then left instead.

Deidara started talking pictures with his eye scope and finally responded, "Probably," before laughing lightly and moving to a different angle for better pictures.

* * *

><p>AN: Sorry for the shortness of this chapter, I promise I'll be a better author to you guys in the future just don't leave me ;_;


	20. T is for

Disclaimer: I own my laptop and nothing to do with Naruto.

A/N: I have to say I'm really glad this story is turning out to be more successful then one of my old ones that will go unnamed due to awfulness.

* * *

><p>T is For Teams<p>

It was common knowledge that most of the members of Akatsuki did not get along very well. However, it was also common knowledge that they're group had some of the most dangerous teams in recent history. One of the most volatile of the groups is Kakuzo and Hidan.

* * *

><p>"Kakuzu, have you ever wondered why your such a prick?" Hidan asked his partner while putting his hands behind his head and smirking.<p>

Kakuzu looked at Hidan and gestured with his eyes for him to look at the trees to his right.

"Huh?" He said while turning right before being stabbed in the chest by several kunai.

He looked down in an unhurried manner. Kakuzo had already caught them with his Earth Grudge Fear and was dragging the ninja towards them.

"Hey you bastard, that fucking hurt, you know," Hidan told him while pointing his scythe at the unlucky ninja.

The ninja looked at him in disbelief and stuttered, "Your should be dead!"

"Yeah well-," Hidan began before Kakuzu cut him off.

"Hidan we don't have time for this," he reminded him in an uninterested voice.

"Fine," Hidan said then mumbled, "you don't have to ruin my fun though."

Before he finished his sentence he had his scythe held at the ready. However, he wasn't fast enough to kill her before Kakuzu's strings tightened and did the job.

"What the hell?" Hidan yelled, "Why would you pull her out and literally put her right in front of me if you were just going to kill her?"

Kakuzu rolled his eyes and responded, "The first reason is that you would have made the body unable to have the bounty on it collected."

He turned, picked the body up, and threw it over his shoulder.

"The second reason is because you annoy me," he stated matter of factly.

* * *

><p>AN: I originally intended to make this longer and possibly fluffier but I'm happy with how this turned out regardless.


	21. U is for

Disclaimer: I own nothing but my feels. Not Naruto.  
>AN: School's back in for me so I'm probably going to be writing more.

* * *

><p>U is for Ugly<p>

"What are you even talking about, hn?" Deidara asked with a deadpan look on his face, trying not to betray how annoyed he really was.

Sasori glanced up from his work, "I'm only saying that the pop movement isn't dead, not that I consider my art a part of it."

Deidara huffed in agitation, "Have you seen a single good piece of work in that style in the past five years, ten even?"

Sasori nodded, "I have."

Deidara scoffed at the senior artist, "I don't believe you."

Sasori put down the tools he was working with to look at the other artist, "They were made decades ago but I have went to see them in the past few years."

Deidara scowled, "That's not what I meant and you know it."

Sasori began clearing off the table he was working at and putting things away. He didn't even acknowledge Deidara's remark until he was done which only served to make the blond angrier.

"Just because they were made a long time ago doesn't mean that they're any less relevant now than they were then because true art will always remain important," his partner told him in a voice that conveyed that this was one of the puppeteer's rarer mentorly moods.

Deidara frowned and the puppeteer looked at him with an expression that challenged him to disagree.

"Fine, I understand what you mean but superflat is the style that my entire generation will be remembered for!" Deidara told him.

Sasori rolled his eyes and began to leave pausing at the door, "We'll see, brat."

* * *

><p>As the few people who have fought with them and lived would tell you, Deidara and Sasori's arguments could get very ugly, very quickly. However, this was not one of those times.<p>

* * *

><p>AN: Out of all the chapters so far this might just be my favorite.

Also, I'm aiming to finish this fanfiction before the end of this year. I think I can do it as long as I don't get bogged down with work from school. Thankfully that's unlikely, I only have 3 "real" classes this year and I only need to do well in one to graduate.


	22. V is for

Disclaimer: I don't own anything but my hands that type this legal bullshit every chapter.

A/N: Remember when I said I would be writing more because my classes aren't too hard this year? That was hilarious right? Writing more during the school year, that's a good one! (What was I thinking!?)

* * *

><p>V is for Voting<p>

Four members of the Akatsuki sat in the kitchen of their main base staring at a box on a rather beat-up old table. The box was so eloquently labeled, "For The Itachi Uchiha," in what was probably blood.

"Should we show him?" Kisame asked while giving Konan a sidelong glance in question.

Konan shook her head, "Its best Itachi doesn't know about these things."

Hidan looked at her with an exaggerated expression of disbelief, "Are you fucking serious? Can you imagine how funny it would be?"

Deidara smirked, "Come on if we don't give it him we have to at least open it."

Konan rolled her eyes, "You know what? This is the last time I mediate between you three, whatever you do you have to answer to Pein when it goes wrong, I'll be sure to tell him to expect you."

She walked out of the room without acknowledging any of them.

"We could vote," Deidara pointed out.

"That's a shitty idea, we would only vote for our own idea," Hidan told him.

Kisame looked thoughtful for a second, "Not if we have to pick someone elses idea."

They all looked at the box again.

"Fuck it, why not?" Hidan said.

"As much as it pains me to side with Hidan, I'm going to have to now," Deidara said.

Hidan smirked, "Aw, and I thought we were such good friends_ Dei_," he said and stressed his new nickname for Deidara.

Kisame sighed, "I'll have to agree with Deidara, I have no idea what Itachi would do if he saw this."

Hidan was smirking and then realized that either he would have to pick Deidara and let him win or pick Kisame and be back to square one. He frowned.

"I guess I'll go with Deidara," he said after scowling for a few seconds.

Deidara smirked, "Let's open it then."

Deidara grabbed a kitchen knife and began to open it. Blood started dripping out from the inside as more tape was removed. Deidara ignored what was undoubtedly going to leave blood stains all over his cloak to finish opening the package. He lifted the boxes' contents out and dropped them on the table in front of them.

"Are those what I think those are?" Hidan asked trying not to laugh out loud.

"If you think that they're eyes then yes," Kisame told him while picking one up in morbid fascination.

Deidara was at the sink washing off his hands when he pointed out, "There's a letter wrapped in plastic taped to the side."

Hidan grabbed it and starting reading it out loud, "Dear Itachi, I am a follower of your work and have enclosed all the eyes of ninjas who had powerful ocular jutsu."

Hidan paused to laugh and examine one of the eyes to see if it was true which, he found that it was.

"I have sent one eye from each set and I still have the corresponding eyes in my own collection," Hidan read as Kisame scooped the eyes back into the box.

"The reason I have sent these to you is; your eyes are the best I've ever heard of and I hope to one day add them to my collection as the crown jewel but the fight that we will have will undoubtable be the best of my life as I think you are the only worthy opponent I can find," Hidan read this section in a mocking voice and punctuated it with a fit of laughter.

He continued, "As you are the only one worthy of my respect I wanted to make sure you knew I was coming for you, sincerely your admirer."

Deidara was scowling at the box in front of them while Kisame began wiping the blood off the table and counter where Deidara had smeared it.

Hidan laughed, "Come on, we have to show Itachi!"

"Unnecessary."

Hidan stoped mid-laugh and turned around to see Itachi standing uncomfortably close to him.

"I was expecting that," he told them, "I was attacked by this supposed collector and killed him."

Deidara scowled as the Uchiha as he casually took the letter from Hidan, the box from Kisame, and threw them into the trash.

"He was very disappointed I hadn't received his gift by the time he found me," he added before walking to the door and stopping.

"By the way, if you ever try to keep something from me again, I'll have to kill you," he with unhidden malice and left.

Hidan and Deidara looked at each other with matching expressions of anger.

"You know the mail service really has gone downhill lately," Kisame pointed out, unfazed by Itachi's death threat.

Konan came back into the room having already seen that Itachi was stoic as usual and wanted to assess the collateral damage she was convinced she would find in the kitchen.

Her eyes widened slightly seeing the lack of any damage.

"What did you three do?" she asked in suspicion.

Hidan mockingly smiled and cheerfully said, "We _voted_."

* * *

><p>AN: I haven't gotten a single review for the last two chapters, just saying. This calls for a contest: first person to leave a thoughtful review on this chapter or the last gets a oneshot of their choice written (as long as I can get a hold of you to ask you what you want.)


	23. W is for

Disclaimer: I still don't own Naruto. Man, what a drag.

A/N: I can't believe I passed up a perfect opportunity to make a ton of V for Vendetta references last chapter! How is that even possible?!

* * *

><p>W is for Wargame<p>

"Why are we doing this again?" Hidan asked dryly.

Pein looked up in annoyance at being interrupted for the third time in seven minutes, "This is a military exercise designed to strengthen the ninja in Amegakure."

Hidan rolled his eyes, "No, I get that, I want to know why_ we_ are doing it."

"What better test of our ninja's skills?" Konan answered.

Hidan huffed in annoyance, "Fine, whatever."

* * *

><p>It was raining even harder than usual and the emergency sirens could be heard throughout the village. A group of chunin gathered together around a school filled with children. They were ready to defend them with their lives if need be.<p>

Deidara frowned and glanced over at Hidan. Both of them were in regular clothing so that the people wouldn't automatically recognize them as Akatsuki. They were both annoyed for the same two reasons. The first was that they were paired together for this. The second was that they couldn't use any of their flashier or stronger moves.

"I'll take the four on the right if you take the three on the left, hn." Deidara told Hidan.

Hidan turned towards Deidara with an irritated expression, "Why do you get more?"

Deidara didn't even look at him, "You're acting like a child, it doesn't even matter."

"Then I'll take the four and you take the three," Hidan told him with his arms crossed.

Deidara scowled, "You're actually more annoying than Tobi."

The two Akatsuki members jumped out of the shadows and quickly incapacitated the group of chunin.

"That was even more boring than I thought it was going to be," Hidan whined.

Deidara cracked his back and yawned, "We should probably report back to Pain, hn."

When the two got back they stood in front the rest of Akatsuki.

"Let me guess, a failing grade to district B as well?" Konan asked without emotion.

Deidara rolled his one visible eye, "What do you think?"

"To be fair we _do_ go through this every month," Itachi pointed out.

Kisame laughed lightly, "Hey you just had Itachi and Deidara agree on something, maybe we do this to often after all."

Pein shot them all a look that could kill.

"If they're doing so horribly then we should drill them more often, not less," he told them while looking out over the village once again.

Half of the Akatsuki groaned in exasperation.

This was the final monthly wargame that Amegakure had. From then on they had weekly drills.

* * *

><p>AN: I'm so glad I finally uploaded this. I've just been under alot of stress recently, I can't even remember the last fanfiction I actually read myself.


	24. X is for

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. What do I own? Nothing.  
>AN: Ok so I got a shit ton of reviews for basically every chapter of this. It was awesome. It made me smile and feel like a real author, like I actually had a fanbase. Then I bi sho jou glittered everywhere.

* * *

><p>X is For Xylem<p>

"Let me get this straight, you want us to go run a message to Zetsu like a couple of Genin?" Hidan complained to Pain while his partner absently filled out accounting spreadsheets by a desk in the corner of the room.

Pain scowled, "No, I want you to take a message to Black Zetsu, who has been operating independently from White Zetsu, and make sure he begins his assignment," Pain corrected Hidan in his best 'talking to psychopathic morons' voice he could muster.

"Ok so you want us to fucking baby-sit him while we're at it?" Hidan asked rolling his eyes.

Pain rubbed the side of his forehead to help ease the headache he had developed in consequence of this conversation. It was not helping.

"Just fucking do it," Pain ordered Hidan shooting him a dangerous look.

Hidan sighed, "Whatever, let's just go."

He walked out the door Kakuzo following shortly after.

After a few hours of walking Hidan was bored by his partner's lack of interest in conversation. He began to notice landmarks he recognized from previous trips to the now abandoned village he and Kakuzo were headed to.

"Finally," Hidan sighed in over exaggerated relief purposely just loud enough for his partner to hear.

Kakuzo choose to ignore Hidan and they continued walking until they reached one of the few houses not burnt to the ground. The two walked inside and were greeted by the scent of the freshly dead, the sight of viscera glistening in the dull lamplight, and the sound of blood as they walked through what had pooled on the floor.

"You are the messiest eater I have ever met," Hidan laughed.  
>Zetsu gestured for them to sit down at a relatively bloodless table near the corner as he began clearing what looked like a manuscript and typewriter off a bed.<p>

Hidan looked curiously over, "What's that?"

Zetsu looked down at the papers he was holding, "Just a scientific paper."

Kakuzo who was normally impatient realized that Zetsu would not take well to being rushed and decided to make small talk with the other Akatsuki members, "What's it about?"

Zetsu finished putting his things away and stored it in the ground by phasing through it and returning after a few seconds.

"Mutations in the xylem of plants," he responded while sitting at the table next to the others.

Hidan looked at him with a slightly disbelieving glance, "You're a scientist?"

Zetsu gave him a toothy grin, "Not all of us are _mindless_ killing machines."

Kakuzo laughed lightly.

"Fuckers, I'm not stupid!" Hidan yelled while leaning back and putting his feet on the table.

Zetsu smiled maliciously, "Then what does xylem mean?"

". . ."

"We're waiting."

"Shut up."

* * *

><p>AN: I know, a little weak but still the letter was x. I did my best.  
>Also: Xylem - The woody part of plants: the supporting and water-conducting tissue, consisting primarily of tracheae and vessels<br>Now you know more about plants than Hidan!


	25. Y is for

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or anything of the sort.

A/N: Oh man, I can't believe that there's only one more chapter to go after this and then this fic is done. I mean . . . I've been at this for almost 3 straight years. It's just weird that I'm finally almost done.

* * *

><p>Y is for Yesterday<p>

An alarm clock went off in Deidara's room. He sat up quickly after being jolted awake by the obnoxiously loud clock. His hair was messed up after a fitful night's sleep and was clinging to the sides of his face and shoulders. He took one look at the clock.

"Oh, for fuck's sake, hn," he said while jumping out of bed and rushing to the dresser to messily put up his hair and grabbed the ticket.

"Ok, if I leave right now I can make it to the opening on time as long as I fly there," he told himself while shoving some money into his pockets after hastily putting on his clothes.

He made his way out of the base onto the roof. He say that he was in luck, it wasn't raining out for once. He made a clay owl to fly on and hopped on.

He flew off almost immediately. While flying he took a quick look at his ticket once more.

"Alright, this art show should be opening at 7 a.m. today so I should be able to get there on time," Deidara thought to himself.

After flying for an hour he landed right outside the town. He straightened up his clothes and hair that had been messed up from the wind and started into the town.

He followed the instructions to a building which appeared to be empty.

An old man who was sweeping up noticed Deidara looking at his ticket and then at the building.

"Are you here for the show, boy?" he asked him.

Deidara nodded so he replied, "The one at the 13th?"

He nodded again.

"That was yesterday."

* * *

><p>AN: Alright then, any ideas for the very. last. chapter?


	26. Z is for

Disclaimer: No, I really don't own Naruto but the copyright law is a broken exploitable mess so who cares?

A/N: I didn't like any of the suggestions that I got so I'm doing my own thing.

* * *

><p>Z is For Zero<p>

"What do you mean we're under fucking attack?" Hidan asked while rolling out of bed and throwing clothes on disregarding Kakuzo.

Kakuzo scowled, "I mean we're under attack."

They hurried out of the room up to the roof were the other members were gathered.

It appeared that the only other person who had been asleep had been Itachi who looked thoroughly aggravated.

Pein looked at both of them, "Good you're here, you're in charge of the western gate."

"Itachi and Kisame, the school," he said while sending them off.

He looked at Tobi and Deidara, "You're in charge of the eastern gate."

He saw Zetsu appear, "You find any enemies in the city and take care of them."

"Konan, you and I are handling the ones who haven't gotten in yet."

The Akatsuki dispersed into the village.

* * *

><p>Itachi and Kisame<p>

As they arrived at the school they saw that, for the most part, the regular ninja of the village had managed to defeat most of the intruders attacking the school up until this point. There was still a group of ninja fighting near the main entrance of the building.

Itachi and Kisame moved in front of the defending ninjas while simultaneously blocking the kunai that the attacking ninja threw.

"I-its the Akatsuki!" what appeared to be the youngest of the group stuttered.

"You thought that you could come into our village without even seeing us?" Kisame asked while smiling maliciously at the young ninja that had spoken earlier.

Itachi moved behind the three attacking ninja and before they realized that he had done so he stabbed the middle ninja who was apparently squad leader.

The young ninja took a swing at Itachi which he easily dodged. He grabbed the ninja's arm and pulled him into his own fist. He stabbed him in the chest shortly after and let the body fall to the ground.

Itachi turned around to see that the last ninja was being mauled by one of Kisame's shark-jutsus with Kisame watching a few feet away with a sadistic smile.

They went inside the building to the radio to contact the rest of Akatsuki.

Itachi got on the line just in time to hear Pein, "Any Akatsuki members available report."

Itachi responded, "Number of enemies left; zero."

* * *

><p>Deidara and Tobi<p>

When Deidara and Tobi made it to the eastern gate they saw that all the defending ninja were dead and the attackers were setting up some sort of stronghold.

Deidara smirked, 'This should be fun.'

A few of the enemy ninja were talking over some battle plans that were laid out on the ground when they saw a strange bird fly over and land next to them.

"Hey, what's-" a female ninja began asking before being caught in the explosion.

A few of the faster ninja in their group had managed to make it away in time. The handful of ninja not caught in Deidara's explosion regrouped quickly.

"It's the explosion expert," one pointed out.

Another looked at him, "No shit."

"Hello!" Tobi said cheerful as he emerged from the ground behind them.

Deidara waited on the roof above for his partner to return.

"I got them!" Tobi declared gleefully while wiping a bit of blood off his mask.

Deidara frowned at the bodies of the invaders.

"They weren't much of a challenge and because we're in the village I couldn't use and of my larger explosives," he said while pausing to sigh in annoyance, "We might as well contact leader now."

They both leapt down to the station near the gate and went inside.

Deidara put on the headset just in time to hear Itachi report.

The blond knew the drill, "Number of enemies left; zero, hn."

* * *

><p>Zetsu<p>

Almost all the enemy ninja had stayed in groups but there were occasional message runners and spies running around. Zetsu grinned when he heard what he figured was a genin run overhead. He dropped the torso he had been holding and followed after the invader.

The young ninja didn't know what happened until it was too late. Zetsu grabbed one of her legs and tripped her causing her to smash her face on the ground. He took out a kunai and planted it firmly in her back cutting her moan of pain short.

From what Zetsu could tell from the rest of his clones around the village this had been the last invading ninja not part of a main invading group.

He sank into the ground and came out at a radio center. When he got on he heard some of the other members reporting.

"Number of enemies left; zero," Black Zetsu replied.

* * *

><p>Hidan and Kakuzo<p>

Hidan was already laughing in sociopathic glee as he and Kakuzo jumped from rooftop to rooftop to the western gate.

"You could at least try to take this seriously," Kakuzo pointed out not really expecting much of a change in attitude.

"They're he-!" one of the enemy ninja tried to shout when he saw Hidan and Kakuzo approaching before being sliced in half by Hidan.

Hidan laughed even louder and ran at another of them while Kakuzo began ensnaring other ninja and smashing them into the ground until they stopped struggling.

When Kakuzo was finished he saw that Hidan was about to kill the last enemy ninja with his curse technique.

Kakuzo walked calmly over to Hidan while watching the last ninja fall to the ground.

"We should go report back," Kakuzo pointed out.

Hidan slowly pulled the spear out of his chest.

"Give me a second!" he said while taking his time to wipe off his spear and slick his hair back.

Kakuzo scowled and waited impatiently for Hidan to finish. They headed to the radio station for the western gate to report in.

Kakuzo could hear all the other members beginning to make their reports but before he could get to the headset Hidan sat down.

"Hey fuckers, zero enemies here," Hidan said and then cracked up as if he had just told a hilarious joke.

Kakuzo slapped him in the back of the head.

* * *

><p>Pein and Konan<p>

Pein heard the last group report back.

"The threat is neutralized, head back to the base," he told them.

"Understood."

"Got it, hn."

"Alright."

"Heh, whatever."

He took the headset off and returned outside to where Konan was waiting for him. She stared emotionlessly at the field with hundreds of bodies and weapons scattered around it.

Konan sighed and looked at Pein, "Number of enemies; zero."

* * *

><p>AN: And that's it, every letter of the alphabet. I considered ending it with something like Konan looking at Pein and saying, "I hate Mondays" or something like that but decided that I would write at least one serious chapter in this whole fanfiction. Tell me what you thought of it and go check out my other stories now, ok? Love you all.


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